July 2, 2006
I Regret To Inform You…
Emotions come in one of two flavors. Good and Bad. Or both. So, three. Emotions come in one of three flavors. Of all the bad ones, or good ones, for that matter, I can think of few that I hate more than regret. I hate being 22 years old, and already full of regrets, both big and small. I regret choices I’ve made about relationships, decisions about which college(s) to attend and what to study, pursuits that I have or have not invested my time into, and I regret having a hamburger for lunch instead of a salad. But, no matter what size, massive or insignificant, regret always sucks.
And, I think that the worst part of regret is that it is always 100% my fault. I don’t regret what somebody else did or didn’t do to me. I regret what I did or didn’t do. Regret is entirely a “me” thing. It’s me regreting what I’ve done or what I didn’t do. Plus, whatever I’m regreting is in the past. I can’t change it, no matter how much I regret it. I can attempt to rectify my past actions, but the fact remains that what is done is done.
Yet, here I sit, mulling over stupid decisions I made yesterday, last week, last year, and five minutes ago. No matter how much my mind says, “It’s done. It’s in the past. Let it go,” I can’t shake those thoughts. Questioning myself. Thinking of other ways I could have handled myself, and visuallizing possible (though extremely idealized) outcomes of those alternatives. Pretty much wasting both time and mindpower. And believe me, I have far too little of either to spare.
And, that is that. I really don’t know where to go from here. I have no parting words of wisdom to impart on any who may read this and feel themselves in the same boat. It was just something that has been on my mind of late, and I felt it a good way to break in the “Heavy” weight class here on Cabeeb.
But, yes. It is a difficult line to walk in which we learn from past mistakes, and after the lesson is learned, we move on. I haven’t mastered that, and frankly, I doubt I ever will. And with that high-minded ponderation, I suppose I will conclude.
Yeah, I’m probably going to regret that.