February 2, 2008
Dermità ge
First off, this ad is 100% legit. And I mean that with all my soul. I literally took a screen shot, cropped it down, and uploaded it. I saw this gem in the middle of a website I was reading, and instantly forgot everything else I was doing.
Take a second to consider this ad so that you can fully understand what it is that Demità ge has accomplished. Even I, after hours of reflection can’t fully wrap my mind around the repercussions. It’s nothing short of catastrophic.
Immortality, people! Immor-freaking-tality. It’s been the dream of mankind since the dawn of time. The holy grail, the fountain of youth, diet sodas and countless other relics have been the stuff of legends for centuries. Now, we can gladly add Dermità ge to that list.
While those other myths brought youth and immortality to the old and dying – as if that wasn’t enough – Dermità ge does them one better, and will actually bring those who have already died back to sweet, glorious life. In fact, as the ad so brilliantly proves, it will take a long deceased, half-decomposed woman, and not only regift her with the miracle of life, but also (as advertised) “reduce skin imperfections.” These imperfections apparently include the imperfection of humanity thus turning you into a gorgeous young woman resembling something between a mannequin and a lawn gnome.
It is important to note that there is a small disclaimer on what will hereafter be referred to as “The Ad of Life.” The Ad of Life apparently contains “simulated images.” Because I have nothing better to do with my time, I did a little research into the matter and discovered that the team behind The Ad Of Life was actually forced to doctor up the “Before” image a little. Shocking, right?
Apparently, the original image was too horrific for general viewing, so in order to get approval for use of the ad, they had to make the cadaver look slightly more human. Otherwise, the FCC wouldn’t have let them use The Ad of Life, nobody would learn about Dermità ge and mankind would still be held fast in the iron grip of mortality. While I’ve not personally seen the original “Before” image, the former Dermità ge Marketing Executive turned Old Gypsy Beggar Woman I met with described the original image as “mind-alteringly terrifying” and “where’s my two bits?” The undoctored “Before” image is also purportedly responsible for the Second Russian Revolution and the death of J. Edgar Hoover.
At this point, you may still be a bit skeptical. And why not? Even though you are confronted with irrevocable proof so eloquently presented by The Ad of Life, its claims seem too good to be true. You may not yet be willing to… oh, I don’t know… sell all your worldly possessions and fanatically devote yourself to the indistinct and wholly conceptual ideal of Dermità ge. That’s completely understandable. It’s a huge step, and one that I’ve regretted ever since.
Before making that foolish though unavoidable commitment, why not try immortality absolutely FREE (plus the cost of shipping and handling). S&H is a small price to pay for the added self-esteem that comes with immortality. And, honestly, what have you got to lose?
Make checks payable to The Umbrella Corporation.
Umm.. That is 100% awesome and 4,765,721% hilarious.
thank you dermitage for restoring queen nefertiti to her original glory. mumification has nothing on dermitage
I think they got the add wrong, or actually, backwards…you put the cream on… it ages you by 1,000 years…not the other way around. That would be more accurate. Peace, I’m out.
I have done a bit of sleuthing and think I may have stumbled upon the “unrated†pre-doctored version of that ad:
Click at your own risk.
Can it be true?
Is it possible that all of these craters on my face may have finally met their match?
And Ryan, I’m pretty I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I saw that picture –the “after” picture, of course.
Now they can add some plausibility to the inevitable fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie, not to mention some kick-butt product placement.