July 30, 2006
Fare Thee Well
Two weeks. It’s been two weeks and three days since my last post. The primary reason for this hiatus happened two weeks and two days ago. On that day, July 13th, my cousin Colin died. His doubts, fears, regrets, sorrows, and Lord only knows what else got the better of him, and in what can only be described as a moment of weakness, he leapt from an overpass in the early morning hours. So, as can be expected, I’ve had much on my mind. Now, I realize that should be more a reason for more frequent posts, since the most common excuse that I have for not posting regularly is that I don’t have enough to write about. Unfortunately, I’ve had a bit of an overload in the mind, and I just didn’t know what to write or say, let alone think about the whole situation.
I first tried posting on this just a few days after it happened, but I just couldn’t make it work. And, I didn’t want to really post about anything else, and just pretend that this never happened, either. So, that’s my disclaimer.
Honestly, Colin and I weren’t that close anymore. We were great friends when we were kids, but as we got older, we drifted apart, as most childhood friends do, frankly. So, his death didn’t affect me as much as it did many others, because I didn’t see him in my daily life. I was out of town when it happened, and my mom called me the morning that it happened, and it was shocking to hear, but it didn’t just bring me to a screeching halt. I stayed sitting down for a minute or two after I hung up the phone, but then I got up and finished working for the rest of the day.
The real blow came when I came back that Friday. I was helping my mom put together a slide show for his funeral, which was the next day (Saturday). My parents and I were trying to figure out what song to play during the slideshow, and my dad suggested “I Can Only Imagine” by MercyMe. At that point, I pretty much had the slideshow done, and while it had been sad to see all those picture of Colin (often with me right beside him), I really hadn’t gotten very emotional over it. However, while I was putting some fiinishing touches on it, my dad played the song just to see if it would fit, and that just did it for me.
I haven’t cried in a long, long time. Frankly, I can’t even remember the last time that I got teared-up, let alone cried. That’s not something I’m proud of, honestly, but that’s how it is. Or was, anyways. ‘Cause I cried. I’ve never really like I Can Only Imagine. I don’t know why. Maybe it was too overplayed. Maybe I didn’t like the context that it was usually sung in. But, in that context, it hit me. Looking at those pictures of Colin, and listening to that song, I cried. And when I had the slideshow finished, and I showed it to Mom and Dad, I cried. And, at the funeral when we showed it, I cried.
I got teared up countless other times during that 24-hour period between my getting back home and the end of the funeral. And most of those moments were when I was looking at how it was affecting the members of my family. Nobody was safe from it. Grandparents, cousins, second cousins, great aunts, sisters. And that was the hardest part of it all. Not how it was affecting me, but how it was affecting my family.
Colin was about three months younger than myself. He would have been 23 this Halloween. While he wasn’t technically a “kid” anymore, he was still one of “the kids” in the family, since only three of us have been married and only one has any children. So, I think it goes without saying that this has been an incredibly difficult and challenging episode for my entire family. Colin was the first of any of us to die. Save for grandparents and one distant 3rd or 4th cousin that I hardly knew, nobody in the White/Armstrong/Epps family has died. It’s hard enough when a grandparent, or even a parent dies, but at least it is somewhat expected. While we always pray and hopefully expect that the day is far off, in the back of our minds we know and expect that at some point in our lifetime, our parents will die.
Parents shouldn’t outlive their children. It is unnatural. The older generations should pass on before the younger ones do. And when one goes out of turn, it sends everyone reeling. And that is what my family has been struggling through the past week. And the nature of how it happened only served to make it all the more painful. Not a person who knew Colin hasn’t since thought to themselves, “What could I have done to help him?” “If only I’d known.” “I should have seen it coming.” Unnatural.
So, for me, the toughest part of this whole ordeal has been watching my family suffer through this. Colin’s brothers are crushed. Colin’s parents are crushed. Through the grace of God, Colin was a Christian who only slipped out of the light for a while, so we know that he is with the Lord now. While that gives hope, it only softens the blow, as anyone who has lost a loved one knows.
Speaking for myself, I am over the worst of it. Heck, I was over the worst of it by the time the funeral was over. It’s tragic, and “unfortunate” doesn’t even begin to describe the situation. I’d lie if I said that I don’t think about Colin every day, and I probably will for years to come. But, I have accepted it, and life continues. However, I haven’t tried listening to I Can Only Imagine in its entirity, but just hearing the intro the other day sent emotions surging through my body. I think it interesting that my last post, written less than 12 hours before this happened, talked about this very thing. A song that I used to not like much at all now affects me emotionally more than almost any song there is.
That’s all I have. Not an incredibly deep or well-organized post, I know, but unfortunately, my mind isn’t incredibly deep or well-organized, either.
Such is life.